Dr. Phil Taking Charge

Mr. President, Beer Me!

Nobama is having beers with hotheaded Sergeant Crowley and oversensitive Professor Gates at the White House. You know, after he made a mountain of a mole hill by sticking his foot in his mouth. And not even a good beer. A Bud, for Chrissake. And not even an American beer, the presumable intended display of patriotism. Budweiser is the latest acquisition of InBev, the European beer giant that owns Hoegaarden and Leffe. Oh, how much more respect I'd have for the prez if he were to pop open a Leffe dark, setting a much-needed example for the rest of the country. And Gates, who reportedly doesn't even like beer, has ordered a Red Stripe. Seriously? A Jamaican lager? Is he making a statement? In the words of our State Departmant after a post-01/22/09 Israeli political action, "This is NOT helpful. " At least Crowley had the wisdom, this time around, to ask for a Blue Moon. It might be a mass-produced craft brew, but it's a start. Hopefully "race relations" can take a cue.

Optimum Cable: Part II

Flashback…7/19: A very helpful customer service rep in Cablevision’s Disconnect Department, Justin, commiserates and assures me someone will definitely come out on Saturday, 7/25, between 11 am and 2 pm. Leaves his number to call, promising he’s the only one there.
7/25: 11:30 am: I place a call to the heavily accented dispatcher, who says no appointment is scheduled.
Noon: Cablevision customer service rep Binderman assures me someone will, of course, come out by 2 pm and call before he/she comes.
2 pm: I call heavily accented dispatcher, asking to confirm the status. On hold for 5 mins. When she returns, she asks if I want to cancel my appointment. When I laugh and say no, she assures someone is coming.
3 pm: Dispatcher places me on hold for 10 mins, never returns, I hang up.
3:10 pm: Different dispatcher takes 10 mins to understand my phone number and address, helpfully gives me customer service number for Cablevision.
4 pm: Pleasant rep Ilene apologizes as their computers are down, promises to call back within hour.
4:15 pm: True to her word, Ilene calls back. As I recount my harrowing tale of woe, including the Internet disruption from Tuesday, Ilene suggests that my appointment for cable box pickup was probably cancelled when the Internet problem was resolved. Her voice is so pleasant that this sounds completely reasonable. My request for account credit is denied as no appointment was technically scheduled for Saturday. She gingerly asks if I’d like to make another appointment.
4:35 pm: I arrive at 1095 E. 45th Street and relieve myself of the cable box.

Angela!

If you're wondering why your kid is coming home from school with a speech impediment, you can thank Tony Danza.

Optimum Cable

7/10: Call placed to cancel cable TV. Cable guy to pick up box. Celebration, high 5s all around.
7/17: Appointment to pick up box confirmed with Cablevision.
7/18: 10 AM--First lateness courtesy call from Cablevision.
11 AM--Second apology call, guy claimed to be on way over
12:30 PM--My call dropped several times, switchboard operator apologizes
1-2 PM: More apologies, dropped calls
2:30 PM: Cable guy claimed to have shown up, cut my lines (despite service already being canceled. Work order claimed to say nothing about box pickup. I ask for account credit.
7/19: Robocall from Cablevision auto-surveys my customer satisfaction. “Ridiculous” not one of the options, “Poor” option is disabled!
7/20: New appointment for box pickup made for 7/25.
7/21: My Internet is disconnected though only TV service has been canceled.

TBC…

Epic Return

Just to prove the defeatist Whyduck wrong, this blog is hereby resurrected! Content TK, but for now, enjoy the empty promise!

LOL

This blog is one giant FAIL right now

Missed Connection

You were the slightly cross-eyed, mustachioed matron dispensing earthy wisdom and home remedies for yeast infection. I was the bearded guy in a shapeless IZOD shirt from SYMS ordering cold cuts for the first time. Your colleague winced in disgust when I asked her to slice me a pound of salami. I made an off-color joke about sausage I’d overheard at work but mangled it. She got offended but you chuckled while weighing 200 g of black caviar for an important-looking man with a Bluetooth handset. I asked if the cottage cheese was fresh, but you didn’t hear me. You wiped off some herring slime on your hairnet and left for a smoke break. I had my Food Stamp card shredded at the register, distracting me from the question, Should I, shouldn’t I? I should. Better late than never.

two ha ha's

where is my super suit?

Mike Tyson

Baracking

http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/21522

This is one of the stupidest articles I've seen. Way to play to racial stereotypes to find yet another way to fellate our new president.

Help me Howard

Not since Michael Chiklis (from the Commish to the Shield), had such testicular fortitude suddenly appear with the disappearance of hair. Howard Thompson of wpix news was a regular news reader for years, nothing extraordinary, no awards, no buzz. That was until two years ago when he removed his toupee. Now Thompson is a more Urban ( mo' street fo-yo-ass) shame shame shame, SHAME ON YOU Arnold Diaz. Chasing after bad guys like, bank manager of Banco Popular and Store manager of Roma Furniture for refunds to gullible costumers. YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM THIS HARD HITTING NEWS MAN.

PDA

There's a video store on Avenue U with a giant banner advertising "1,000's of PORNO DVDs Blowout." What happened to the understated "We Have All Kinds of Movies"? Or the sad fact that, these days, due to Netflix's muscle-flexing, the presence of a non-chain video store itself is a huge tip-off of its wares? Won't somebody think of the children?

eyebrows

wow

baby preacher

so young and already speaking in tongues.

claus

One reason I'm glad christmas is over is that I don't have to see this creepy as fuck ad anymore. Santa went from a Jolly fat man to a skinny albino eater of souls.

Razor's Edge

The other day, when work was cut short by a middling New York snowstorm, I capitalized by sharing some super happy hour brews with a friend. When a fortyish, silver-haired man my dad's age lumbered over to our stools, I figured he was a lonely accountant gone AWOL from the office party taking place in the far corner, or at most, a Murray Hill closet dweller with Chelsea dreams. Instead, he pulled out a generic plastic shopping bag from which he produced a single package of Gillette Sensor III. "Best deal you'll get." I examined the razor, admiring its virtues. "I'll sell you 4 for 20," he slurred. I thanked him, noting that with such a surplus, I'd have nothing to do but go out and slash people. The bartender, an ingénue, winced perceptibly. The stumblebum leaned in closer, whispering gently into my ear, "You can even take it into the bathtub." A fine point.

John Madden

John Madden has got to be the most annoying Cowboys homer. As a color commentator he offers nothing. I really wish someone would throw shoes at him. I had to turn off the sound and put on WFAN for the radio broadcast.

Here's another on the hate list.

Dion Sanders - A walking camel faced jackass. I actually change the channel when he's speaking on the NFL network post game show.

Riddles

When I was little, my dad would spend quality time with me in the following manner: Plopping down on the couch and asking my younger self if I'd like to play riddles (in Russian, of course). I'd get super-excited and climb on my dad's belly. His eyelids heavy and slowly shutting like medieval city gates, he'd drawl something along the lines of, "What doesn't burn in a fire, doesn't drown in water, doesn't rot in the earth?" While I scratched my head and searched my tiny little literal brain for an answer, Dad was giving in to the Slumber God and, by the time I looked at him to deliver a half-baked answer, he'd was well on his way to bucolic Snooze Village.

P0wned

In the Wake of Da Prophet