You Don't Know Symbol Dynamics? Fuck YOU!

Here is a man who gives hope to all of us non-Bretts still struggling to solve the star puzzle...

About That Monkey Wedding

Another propitious simian match made in India. But isn't it time we let monkeys be agents of their own fate, and choose their own mate? If we truly come from these noble creatures, what better way to honor them?

Good thing this was the one game that wasn't nationally televised

Well congrats to the Cornell basketball team on a great season and all, but all I really wanted was to not look like the worst team in the entire tournament. Too bad about that.

See My Vest

Cloning technology may not quite be there yet, but you can reunite with Fido or Rover today--or at least have him keep you warm through the cold, lonely winters. Too bad I didn't cryo-freeze my long-dead parakeets. They'd have made some nice safari hats.

Snoop Song

Everybody go out and get this OG's memoir. It's the real, yo. Straight cheese.

obama sold out his white grandma

I thought the Obama speech on race was very good. But my fellow Americans from Hannity's America seemed to disagree. My favorite caller said "we can't trust a man who would sell out his grandmother like that, Sean!"

Preview

A taste of things to come: Reverend Jeremiah, monkey weddings, a new story, and why Sinbad matters...

TGIF

In the corporate (or even average office) world, Friday is frequently cited as an excuse for any misstep, slip of the tongue, faux pas, or questionable action. While predominantly displayed among the lower rungs of the officer hierarchy, you're guaranteed to hear "It's Friday" at some point during your 9-to-5 (or 8-to-12) adventure from the lips of a superior. From botched water cooler refills to faulty customer service to negligent machine operators, the much sought-after day is something of a wild card, a panacea and Get out of Jail Card for any offense committed on the clock. If you're putting off risky, unadvised work activities, Friday is your day. Spilled coffee all over your coworker, scalding her and blotching her cashmere cardigan? "It's Friday!" Let out a racist quip in the presence of a sensitive coworker? "There I go again!" After all, you've been working hard all week, counting down the days so you can wrap yourself in the casual quilt of a lay-z-day. Ice Cube and Chris Tucker were right.

Utah Loosens Up

The state that brought you polygamy and Orrin Hatch is finally seeing the light on booze restrictions. Wait, no, they're not. Certainly a group of Mormon lawmakers who presumably have never touched the stuff are the best arbiters of mixology. Did no one think of bringing in frat consultants from Arizona or Colorado?

Harvard Sucks

For once, Cornell played Harvard, it was a big deal and it wasn't on ice. Who knew that Cornellians could storm a court with zero previous experience in doing so? The only question remains is whether the bandwagon stays filled after the inevitable first-round drubbing in the tournament.

That seals it up!

Cultish hero-worship aside, I was already behind Obama, but if he is good enough for (NBA) veterans than he is certainly good enough for me!

The Real News is Fake

Campus activism at its finest

Of Giants and Dwarfs

Last week brought us such gems as the diminutive celebrity weightlifter from India and Gary Coleman's wedding...thought it appears the marriage remains unconsummated. Are these dwarfs among giants or giants among men?

feb 14.

to all you Casanovas out there who forgot to get roses for you significant others.

Love Fests

It's February 7, 2008 and we're still no closer to knowing who our next president will be. GOP is falling apart, with loathsome radio hacks pushing their bilious lockstep ideology against conservative McCain! A lifetime pro-lifer, mind you, who doesn't like taxes or spending and who's arguably more hawkish than Bush and Co. The talk radio nincompoops seem to want some combination of Bush (are they sore the brainless George Allen was undone by racist indiscretion?), acting buffoon Fred Thompson, and xenophobe demagogue Tom Tancredo. Sorry, all you're getting is a bona fide war hero who's unafraid to pick a fight when he believes in something. Live with it, you stupid, worthless assholes. Only in our decadent Western society is there room for these opinion-makers.

On the Democratic side, the Cult of Obama has completely obviated any capacity for common sense assessment. What are this guy's accomplishments? What does he really believe in, other than his own branding? Change is not a policy. Hope is not principle. I swoon for this guy as much as the next schlub due to his unlikely skin pigmentation, but what's his case for the biggest job in the world? Hillary has better start making a case for herself. Her experience campaign might be suitable for state senate, but it's slightly more inspiring than a fart on an empty train.

TOR

Myriad lights surround the halo

Like a million fireflies

Bracing air and steamy mist

Mingle dancing cheek to cheek

Dem Mellons

John Cougar Mellencamp emerges from semi-obscurity to complain about McCain using his songs. Why not use someone more friendly to Republicans? Like Jessica Simpson, KISS, or 50 Cent?

Hey Salesgenie, you failed everything, even animation!

First of all, congratulations to the Giants and their real fans on the rousing Super Bowl upset. Second of all, to my one-day fellow UVA alum Tiki Barber, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Finally, no surprise that there isn't a huge uproar over the latest attempt at Charlie Chan/Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips-inspired Asian minstrelsy. Then again, that Darfur comment from davidfuzznut does put everything into perspective. Just let me know that I should worry about human sex trafficking in Thailand when Salesgenie unleashes its new blackface campaign, ok Dave?

They Can Take Our Lives...

But they can never take our freedom!

War Without Symmetry

Al Qaeda is now using retarded women to bring death to Iraq's teen population, and to our GIs. Classy! If there reports are true, I say we fight back by parachuting in the most lawless members of our society, as once suggested by a N'owleans hobo. We pick a good number of sociopaths (especially death row and equivalent killers) currently littering our prisons, hand them Kalashnikovs, and drop down right into Al Qaeda territory, sending them on commando missions. Yes, a number of problems will arise, but we'll be killing two birds with one stone.