Et Tu, Method?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/10/05/2009-10-05_staten_island_rapper_method_man_formerly_of_wutang_clan_arrested_for_tax_evasion.html

Well, yeah, there it is.

Buggin'

To translate for my non-Russian friends, this advertisement promises the destruction of bed bugs, roaches, and termites using "European means." Russians respect European means, especially when it comes to bed bugs.

Ace Constantine

Ace, David Blaine's worst nightmare, is an unwitting friend of Bohemigrant Blog. Check out Ace in action when he's hanging fast and loose:

Driving While Asian?

Now that my office has been moved to a decommissioned nuclear reactor that is barely part of my school's campus, I am now obligated to increase my carbon footprint on a semidaily basis instead of walking for nearly an hour (one-way) in deathly Virginia late summer weather. I don't really find this to be a terrible set-up, aside from the higher frequency of gasoline purchase and it rendering me nearly fully sedentary. But I guess having a "commute" to "work" increases the chances of hilarity for me, and not just because my Asianness and short attention span make me a terrible driver.

Like any person who must navigate suburban roads on a university campus the most frustrating part of driving is dealing with an excess of traffic lights and packs of students moving much too slowly and taking much too much of the road whether they are wandering around, jogging or biking. Naturally, when there is a mild amount of open space to "cruise" a little bit you will. And if there is a traffic light at an annoying intersection (with no crossing pedestrians present) barely staying green, one has a tendency to race through it as safely as he/she possibly can. There's nothing inherently reckless about going a bit fast under these conditions.

So of course I was peeved that a campus policewoman saw it fit to follow me from God knows where up to the reactor's parking lot and accost me as I got out of my car. And then proceed to lecture me on just how fast and recklessly I was driving and how busy the intersection that I drove through was. Nevermind that if she was following me, she would have noticed no one approaching the crosswalks and that I slowed down and checked to see if this was the case as I approached the intersection. And that I couldn't have been going that fast considering that there's a fucking stop sign almost immediately after turning through the intersection where I was apparently attempting to murder fellow students. And that I have to go fast on the road up to the reactor because it's on top of a steep hill. Oh, and that she really couldn't properly discipline me besides just going on this pointless power trip.

Go write up some more parking tickets and leave me alone, Deputy Dogette. Seriously.

Ruff, Ruff

Under ObabaPetCare, Chanel would never have made it to 20, let alone 21!

Track Fail

Why Sunny’s Not Funny

What makes a show funny? What makes a show good? Can a show be funny without being good? With an impalpably large and loyal audience, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of those shows random friends and strangers rave about over the years and you end up watching on Netflix, getting addicted to it like crack—though you’d hardly kill your mother to watch it.

With four late-twentysomething friends running an Irish pub in Philly, it’s not exactly Cheers—a show that brought disparate characters together for a successfully synergistic tension of backgrounds and personalities. A bar is a great place to convene people from all walks of life. In Sunny, though, a bar is only a convenient prop to set up easy one-joke episodes (i.e. underage drinking). Nothing on the show seems to be based in any kind of reality. Thus, it’s all one long “improv” sketch with new suggested plot fillers supplied every twenty minutes.

This is a pattern for the show. Just as the background fails to knot itself to the core of the show (which is as hollow as a tree trunk), the characters are dependably flat, one-dimensional, and unreasonably callous. Seinfeld may have started to slip into nihilistic self-caricature toward the end of its run, but its characters were rich enough by then to see the show through. Even Arrested Development, an overrated but clever and skillfully made dysfunctional melo-comedy, gave us deeper, more interesting people than these four walking props.

After one, episode, you know exactly what to expect. There are no surprises, no multiple arcs or layers. Cynicism rules the day as the show blindly races headfirst for the most offensive punchline and the cheapest laugh. In rebellion against decades of sitcom conventions, this new brand of “comedy” pits yuppy comedy teams against one another in a race to check the most socially provocative topics off the list inherited from better shows like All in the Family and (even) Married with Children, many of which are plain vanilla by now. The pilot tackles race relations…really?

At best, Sunny is a live-action South Park where supposedly taboo subjects (rehashed from superior shows that have dealt with these issues far more deftly) are Sunny’s thrust and reason for being. At worst, it’s a discarded rough draft of Arrested Development executed by UCB rejects. Curb Your Enthusiasm and Extras are the only shows that have successfully driven cynically charged vehicles because even they have found ways to embrace their characters, to at least allow for the possibility of heart and depth. Sunny has successfully exploited the general public’s thirst for ADD comedy, but like any addiction, the drug is going to run its course and leave you craving more with no lasting satisfaction.

Lenin and Leonardo

It was quite a week for our Russian friends in Belarus and France. First, a drunk-retarded 21-year-old Belarusian dies when Lenin's head, heavy from ponderous dialectic, tumbles down upon him. Bohemigrant is concerned about the loss of a historical monument dating back to 1939.

Then, a deranged Russian expatriate chucks a Louvre gift shop souvenir at Mona Lisa who, thanks to prior attempts on her life, was safely ensconced behind bullet-proof glass.

Disturbingly Cute

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1205022/Koda-born-health-problems-doctors-worried-But-turns-hes-just-little-horse.html

Cramped Quarters

A first date is not just a tryout between the parties concerned. In the literally tightknit world of small New York bars, the first rendezvous often becomes an audition in front of total strangers not invested in the outcome. You know, your neighbors at that cute little oblong candlelit table, whose knees inadvertently rub up against your own as you struggle to figure out whom you’re with—the girl across from you, the girl next to you, or the guy who’s spitting in your hefeweizen. Every word can become scrutinized—wittingly, willingly, or not—and should be weighed with precision. Your date might suck. You might have lost interest five minutes into it—or five seconds—but now you’re alienating a totally different segment of the population. Watch what you say. Words that fall harmlessly down on your companion can seem totally hilarious to a perfect stranger enjoying the social writhing in clownish awkwardness and first-date faux pas. For hypothetical example, “Your online profile has a 12.0 Flesch-Kincaid rating.” That kind of thing.

On the bright side, if you’re not having an amazing time, you can take solace in the fact that your neighbors aren’t either:

“What’s up with all the silence?”

“How can these two stand each other?”

My jokes are vastly superior to his. You want to think all these, especially that last one.

Of course, what you definitely don’t want, is to be attracted to the girl you’re not with—the one sitting right next to you with her girlfriend, trading much wittier jokes and stroking her hair seductively. The one who accidentally overhears your life dreams and interjects, excusing herself, because she just wanted to say how right you are and she’d never met anyone who felt the same way she does.

Space, always at a premium.

Specter P0wned

Cucurrucucu Paloma

Fedor p0wned by Bad Management

Ironically, Fedor Emelianenko's legacy will largely be determined by the outcome of his promoter's bout with the UFC. The man who has destroyed opponents large and small, been slammed head-first into a ring and recovered instantaneously to humiliate his enemy, is now looking greedy at best, and a capricious prima donna at worst.

The best line in the Fedor Emelianenko-UFC kerfuffle? It belongs to the frequent jerk/currently reasonable Dana White: “How are they going to come in and help us co-promote? It’s basically them coming and saying, ‘We’ve got this guy and some people say he might be the best heavyweight in the world. So for that, we want half your business.’ Yeah, OK. That sh-t probably works in Russia. Not here.”

Well put, Dana.

Dr. Phil Taking Charge

Mr. President, Beer Me!

Nobama is having beers with hotheaded Sergeant Crowley and oversensitive Professor Gates at the White House. You know, after he made a mountain of a mole hill by sticking his foot in his mouth. And not even a good beer. A Bud, for Chrissake. And not even an American beer, the presumable intended display of patriotism. Budweiser is the latest acquisition of InBev, the European beer giant that owns Hoegaarden and Leffe. Oh, how much more respect I'd have for the prez if he were to pop open a Leffe dark, setting a much-needed example for the rest of the country. And Gates, who reportedly doesn't even like beer, has ordered a Red Stripe. Seriously? A Jamaican lager? Is he making a statement? In the words of our State Departmant after a post-01/22/09 Israeli political action, "This is NOT helpful. " At least Crowley had the wisdom, this time around, to ask for a Blue Moon. It might be a mass-produced craft brew, but it's a start. Hopefully "race relations" can take a cue.

Optimum Cable: Part II

Flashback…7/19: A very helpful customer service rep in Cablevision’s Disconnect Department, Justin, commiserates and assures me someone will definitely come out on Saturday, 7/25, between 11 am and 2 pm. Leaves his number to call, promising he’s the only one there.
7/25: 11:30 am: I place a call to the heavily accented dispatcher, who says no appointment is scheduled.
Noon: Cablevision customer service rep Binderman assures me someone will, of course, come out by 2 pm and call before he/she comes.
2 pm: I call heavily accented dispatcher, asking to confirm the status. On hold for 5 mins. When she returns, she asks if I want to cancel my appointment. When I laugh and say no, she assures someone is coming.
3 pm: Dispatcher places me on hold for 10 mins, never returns, I hang up.
3:10 pm: Different dispatcher takes 10 mins to understand my phone number and address, helpfully gives me customer service number for Cablevision.
4 pm: Pleasant rep Ilene apologizes as their computers are down, promises to call back within hour.
4:15 pm: True to her word, Ilene calls back. As I recount my harrowing tale of woe, including the Internet disruption from Tuesday, Ilene suggests that my appointment for cable box pickup was probably cancelled when the Internet problem was resolved. Her voice is so pleasant that this sounds completely reasonable. My request for account credit is denied as no appointment was technically scheduled for Saturday. She gingerly asks if I’d like to make another appointment.
4:35 pm: I arrive at 1095 E. 45th Street and relieve myself of the cable box.

Angela!

If you're wondering why your kid is coming home from school with a speech impediment, you can thank Tony Danza.

Optimum Cable

7/10: Call placed to cancel cable TV. Cable guy to pick up box. Celebration, high 5s all around.
7/17: Appointment to pick up box confirmed with Cablevision.
7/18: 10 AM--First lateness courtesy call from Cablevision.
11 AM--Second apology call, guy claimed to be on way over
12:30 PM--My call dropped several times, switchboard operator apologizes
1-2 PM: More apologies, dropped calls
2:30 PM: Cable guy claimed to have shown up, cut my lines (despite service already being canceled. Work order claimed to say nothing about box pickup. I ask for account credit.
7/19: Robocall from Cablevision auto-surveys my customer satisfaction. “Ridiculous” not one of the options, “Poor” option is disabled!
7/20: New appointment for box pickup made for 7/25.
7/21: My Internet is disconnected though only TV service has been canceled.

TBC…

Epic Return

Just to prove the defeatist Whyduck wrong, this blog is hereby resurrected! Content TK, but for now, enjoy the empty promise!

LOL

This blog is one giant FAIL right now

Missed Connection

You were the slightly cross-eyed, mustachioed matron dispensing earthy wisdom and home remedies for yeast infection. I was the bearded guy in a shapeless IZOD shirt from SYMS ordering cold cuts for the first time. Your colleague winced in disgust when I asked her to slice me a pound of salami. I made an off-color joke about sausage I’d overheard at work but mangled it. She got offended but you chuckled while weighing 200 g of black caviar for an important-looking man with a Bluetooth handset. I asked if the cottage cheese was fresh, but you didn’t hear me. You wiped off some herring slime on your hairnet and left for a smoke break. I had my Food Stamp card shredded at the register, distracting me from the question, Should I, shouldn’t I? I should. Better late than never.

two ha ha's

where is my super suit?

Mike Tyson

Baracking

http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/21522

This is one of the stupidest articles I've seen. Way to play to racial stereotypes to find yet another way to fellate our new president.

Help me Howard

Not since Michael Chiklis (from the Commish to the Shield), had such testicular fortitude suddenly appear with the disappearance of hair. Howard Thompson of wpix news was a regular news reader for years, nothing extraordinary, no awards, no buzz. That was until two years ago when he removed his toupee. Now Thompson is a more Urban ( mo' street fo-yo-ass) shame shame shame, SHAME ON YOU Arnold Diaz. Chasing after bad guys like, bank manager of Banco Popular and Store manager of Roma Furniture for refunds to gullible costumers. YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM THIS HARD HITTING NEWS MAN.

PDA

There's a video store on Avenue U with a giant banner advertising "1,000's of PORNO DVDs Blowout." What happened to the understated "We Have All Kinds of Movies"? Or the sad fact that, these days, due to Netflix's muscle-flexing, the presence of a non-chain video store itself is a huge tip-off of its wares? Won't somebody think of the children?

eyebrows

wow

baby preacher

so young and already speaking in tongues.