claus

One reason I'm glad christmas is over is that I don't have to see this creepy as fuck ad anymore. Santa went from a Jolly fat man to a skinny albino eater of souls.

Razor's Edge

The other day, when work was cut short by a middling New York snowstorm, I capitalized by sharing some super happy hour brews with a friend. When a fortyish, silver-haired man my dad's age lumbered over to our stools, I figured he was a lonely accountant gone AWOL from the office party taking place in the far corner, or at most, a Murray Hill closet dweller with Chelsea dreams. Instead, he pulled out a generic plastic shopping bag from which he produced a single package of Gillette Sensor III. "Best deal you'll get." I examined the razor, admiring its virtues. "I'll sell you 4 for 20," he slurred. I thanked him, noting that with such a surplus, I'd have nothing to do but go out and slash people. The bartender, an ingénue, winced perceptibly. The stumblebum leaned in closer, whispering gently into my ear, "You can even take it into the bathtub." A fine point.

John Madden

John Madden has got to be the most annoying Cowboys homer. As a color commentator he offers nothing. I really wish someone would throw shoes at him. I had to turn off the sound and put on WFAN for the radio broadcast.

Here's another on the hate list.

Dion Sanders - A walking camel faced jackass. I actually change the channel when he's speaking on the NFL network post game show.

Riddles

When I was little, my dad would spend quality time with me in the following manner: Plopping down on the couch and asking my younger self if I'd like to play riddles (in Russian, of course). I'd get super-excited and climb on my dad's belly. His eyelids heavy and slowly shutting like medieval city gates, he'd drawl something along the lines of, "What doesn't burn in a fire, doesn't drown in water, doesn't rot in the earth?" While I scratched my head and searched my tiny little literal brain for an answer, Dad was giving in to the Slumber God and, by the time I looked at him to deliver a half-baked answer, he'd was well on his way to bucolic Snooze Village.