Christmas Thoughts

Sitting in a dental chair for my first dental cleaning in at least a decade, I was thinking how I used to dread the dental appointment. Even with my near-flawless set of pearly whites, I never felt right sitting in a chair while a tooth mechanic in a labcoat inserted surgical instruments inside my mouth. Then, of course, came the braces years, my orthodontic rite of passage into the American middle class. From mold to braces, rubber bands to retainer, it was great fun. Having achieved a reputation of great eclat as a dandruffed immigrant in junior high, nothing at the age of 12, save perhaps a pair of L.A. Gear Lights and a public delousing, could have further enriched my social C.V.

But I tell you, as my parents' friend was slicing and dicing my gums, assiduously eradicating every last vestige of the plaque that has been feasting on my incisors since the free ride I gave it sometime in high school, I thought, Woah, it's really not so bad. Of the many pairs of professional hands that we submit outselves to in the course of our daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly lives, dentists are perhaps the most authoritarian--and should be the ones to which we most easily acquiesce. Sure, they dispense redundant advice--but reinforcing simple doctrine saves gums! (One feels a physician, facing the even slightly baffling complaint, is always a legal hurdle away from applying leeches.) The internist will give you a perfunctory checkup and indifferent care. A specialist will violate your personal spaces. Even barbers can talk your head off if they're so inclined. (Thank god for that humidifier the dentist jams in your mouth!) Once you're in that chair, it's their game--you're just a ball--and they will decide how high and where you bounce.

For me, yielding to the oral hygienist's care is like flying on an airplane. You give yourself over to the trained pilot's care, and trust he will get you there--some expected turbulence notwithstanding. If not he, then who? Of course, the parallel falls flat when considering the possibility of flying lessons--does anyone outside the Third World and old books still prefer fishing line and slamming doors to Novocaine, forceps, and tweezers?

It is undeniable: dentists are the best friends we don't want, but desperately need. They are our celery and spinach! So grab that mirror, pick, and scalpel, Doctor, and do your thing!

Merry Christmas to all.

Ping Pong

From the "why they hate us" column, Donald attacks the lately apologetic* Rosie for accurately, but bitterly, muckraking on the D. This guy's is about as classy and secure as she intentionally funny. Now, I wonder how this will be reported in China?

*Hat tip: DukeBloggins

Hacks, Thugs, and Midgets

Wow. In one game, the Knicks go from sad sports spectacle coached by an atrocious GM wanna-be to a circus act complete with midget wrestler and a whiny ex-player-in-chief, becoming the subtitle of the latest Tom Waits album.

(As a footnote, "Melo" goes from casual toker and Stop Snitchin' advocate to sucker-punching bitch.)

The point is,

time mag

When did Time magazine become an institution of pussys?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061217/ap_on_re_us/time_person_of_year

Entwined

On the uptown D (the original B express)

As the doors opened at 42nd St. and a girl jumped up and out, I allowed the seat below me to stay vacant for a more worthy occupant. But the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Just as a seat-hugry woman who looked to be in her sixties boarded and lit up with joy at my passive gentlemanship, an Indian slacker with a slicked indie-rock hairdo carrying a rolled-up poster made a beeline for the seat, displacing the poor lady right in front of her nose. As I contemplated intervening, the understandably captious lady made a sarcastic remark I couldn't hear over my new mp3 player.

The slacker glibly retorted: "Go fuck yourself, lady!"

As I considered the issue of justice and started making peace with my conscience, the lady, now making a deperate lunge for a cross-car seat, seemed to be pulling me with her. Then I realized she was, dragging me after the headphone cord wrapped around one of her coat buttons like a willful puppy. "Whoa, whoa there, lady!" I warned as the Indian let out another flurry of invective. And, with a nibmle move, I extricated myself from her woolen leash.

Diddy Kiddies (Smigel Strikes Again)

Borat? Borat Who?

A pretty good cap on the Borat phenom: http://youtube.com/watch?v=1_98F7JeHdE

Move Over, Sam Champion

Everyone's favorite southern weatherman is also a familiar face from the past.

Globalize This!

This story speaks for itself...as pointed out by M.B., Esq., 5 cm is a huge, 2-inch difference. India is really making the prophylactic headlines this month.

Oia

Rosie the Shaq

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UnSuZz3gWuE

edit: this is actually the second time she's done this on tv. i remember watching her show during oscar season when crouching tiger was nominated for best picture against whatever movie she was into. she pulled the mock chinese in that episode too. love that edgy 1980's humor that kramer tried to bring back.

erg

bohemigrant 1 is having a little trouble updating.. blame 2.

backup dancer has seizure but the band plays on

btw, can these girls sing for real?

It's Hard to Find Good Mexican in NYC

So there was Bohemigrant, just idling away a few morning minutes googling a website of a trendy little cantina he'd spied. All he wanted was a Cali-style fish taco...when countercultural saturation foiled his efforts.

Dance, Puppets, Dance

The incredibly ridiculous McDonald's phone hoax, video-blogged for your enjoyment. Won't anyone think of the real victim here--Wes the exterminator? The guy will be doing jail time for doing his darndest to appease a phone terrorist and protect an innocent young girl.

Would You Like Malaise with That?

A classic case of an incompetent president chasing history and legacy in his autumn (perhaps winter) years, Jimmy Carter is better off building homes for Katrina victims or raising money in telethons than offering up more bugaboos over the all-powerful American Jew-Zionist Complex. He may have good intentions as a Christian, but he is a moron as a politician and a statesman.

GODDAMN

I just finished watching the giants game. Their secondary is just horrible. Will someone please crack Will Demps' kneecap please? Eli with his terrible passes. Bad coaching, undisciplined team. Stupid penalties. Man that's frustrating. oh well, when's baseball season?

Gwyneth Palt Row

Duuude. Americans are so totally capitalistic. And that's like, ewww, I wanna have some stimulating dinner conversation now...perhaps about how much of a puppy Tony Blair is...or how best to enhance British dental care. I am soooo glad to be here in merry old England, where I can have deep thoughts to text Madonna and not pay long-distance surcharges. Superficiality is like so totally American!

Polonium, Wherefore Art Thou, Polonium?

At this point, Bohemigrant's paranoiac tendencies swing into high gear, as Poison Gate moves closer and closer to home (in a manner of speaking).

Also, DukeNobbins recommends everyone check out the next issue of Faces Strategic Communications. It promises to be riveting!

Kiss of Death

Say what you will, but at least this guy died practicing his craft, unlike a certain other wildlife hunter we all know.

Some Pix from Ancient Greece

L to R: Panos, T., "Jimmy," Bohemigrant II at one of the best rembetika joints in Athens. I swear, Jimmy is a stand-in for Gandolfini.

Stray dog (a common Greek dweller) taking a nap on the Parthenon steps.